I have always known that inner beauty is what counts even though what I looked like on the outside never was good enough for me no matter what people told me deep down I didn’t believe it, if I did I wouldn’t be so insecure.. Would I? Yet, I always focused on my looks and my weight (being skinny) was the only thing that made me feel good enough to be in the same room as people or to feel better than someone else. How messed up is that!? But that’s another blog in itself.
Yes inner beauty is what matters .I believed I was a good person who had wrong done to me but would never be like my tormentors. I would never hurt anybody with my words like they hurt me, never break someone’s things or worst of all physically hit someone I supposedly loved. Things started changing with me when I got in my first relationship and each one after was worse. I was so soft but when I snapped I was so mean and horrible and irrational and this was far worse when I drank alcohol. This was normally over jealousy or the thought that they were using me or didn’t really care for me. It felt like I had a split personality and still does.
My boyfriend of over three years (we both have had serious trust issues with each other)finally made me believe he really loved me and I trusted him like a normal girlfriend should. He was meant to come home after work a few nights ago and he didn’t so i decided I would go out and have a few drinks with him and make an effort cause I had been so down and depressed. I had little to eat and a few drinks and shots on my own before I found outside a bar I asked him not to go to numerous times before. He was away from the bar with another girl taking money out of the ATM and hadn’t been in touch with me at all .I saw red, everything I was afraid of was happening I snapped walked up to them and slapped him repeatedly into the face and tried to punch him and kick him in the b***s , broke his things and became a monster. My stomach is sick thinking about what I did to him. I didn’t think I could live with it. He told me if I want to be with him I have to get help and get better so that’s what I’m doing. Part of me still wonders now what it was with her but I have to tell myself it was nothing.
After all this I hurt somebody I love so badly in every way I don’t think I can ever see myself as a good person again, ever.
Is this me? Or is it BPD? Have I turned into one of the people I swore I would never be? How is this possible? I’ve caused so much damage and for what? What made me snap so much about this, was it everything I’ve been depressed about for weeks and do I blame him? Did I secretly hope that showing up to see him, he would prove my paranoia about him cheating wrong and when I seen him believed everything was a lie, I died inside.
Either ways, I never should have done what I did and I can never undo the damage I have caused, this is what happens when we don’t pay attention to our thoughts and control our emotions no matter how right we think we are in the moment or hurt we are. Alcohol in my experience has caused so many problems even if its once a month I go out, It heightens every emotion I feel , I know if I was sober I never would have done the things I did to him and wouldn’t have to live with the guilt and shame of it . Right now my inner beauty is not very beautiful, but hideously ugly.
Writing this blog is my first step to getting back on the road to recovery. I promise I will blog updates every few days on how it’s going and stories and insights to recovery. Feel free to follow me and add your experiences and strategies that worked for you.
I want to live not just exist, don’t you?